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The War Within

I can feel myself falling again,
But gravity is not my enemy.
When you're fighting yourself,
You can only lose.


What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, "You shall not covet." But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness. For apart from the law, sin lies dead. I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be the death of me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me. So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good.

Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

Romans 7:7-25

What is sin?

Vanity is a sin, right? To have pride in your looks. But I reckon that not taking care in your appearance or dressing against the common fashion is also in itself vanity, because in those things there is a sort of pride in not dressing up like others- a pride in being different, so surely that too is vanity.

Gluttony also- eating until you're stuffed so full you can barely move can't be the only form gluttony takes. What's to say that eating only a little, but only of choice foods- even if they aren't “posh” foods can't also be called gluttony?

Greed is another. We think the definition of greed is having it all and earning more than enough to keep it all, but that's not it. You can have very little and be greedy, or have a lot and not be greedy. Greed is independent of what you have; it's not being content with what you've got. God calls us to be content whether we've got everything or nothing. This is not to say that saving up for something you want is bad- because it's not. But having it as a goal, “once I've got this, then I'll be content”, or “this is all I want” is greed. Once you have this, what's to say that once you've got it, you won't want something else? That is greed. As long as you are content with what you've got, and don't seek security in it, then you are living as God asks in that area of your life.

Anyway, more to come later one I've thought & prayed about it some more.

Abiding

In this land there lives a girl,
Her name known far and wide.
In the Lord she puts her trust:
In Him she does abide.
She does not want for earthly things,
Her gains are not of gold;
For she awaits the risen King
Of whom her faith fortold.

I want this to be me, but it's a long process.

Sketches

I've been a little slack lately - haven't been putting up any blogs of note. No poems lately. I have been drawing a bit though, and although they aren't masterpieces (which is the case with everything I do), they are an improvement on earlier years. Unfortunately, I can't actually display them online, because I have no way of making a digital copy, but they are quite decent drawings.

Stamina

Stamina and strength. That's what you see when you see me. I may walk for hours, but after the first ten minutes, I can't take another step. I may swim for kilometers, but after the first hundred meters I'm too tired to move my limbs. I may seem to be able to keep going without a rest, but the truth is that no matter how much I get, sleep doesn't help me. Every injury I get, you think I barely notice it, but in reality I can't handle the pain. Every time I get knocked down, I just appear to shrug it off, but for me it gets harder each time just to get back on my feet. When you tease me and I look like it's just a joke to me too, each word you say is sharper than a knife. When cold doesn't appear to affect me, I really am chilled to my core, and feel like warmth will never come back. What you think is stamina and strength is really stubbornness, sheer will-power and a pride that will not let anyone else see my weaknesses.

Some thoughts

It's funny how God uses circumstances for good. The other day I caught up with an older lady who I respect a great deal. She has been happily married for about 10 years, and has two beautiful daughters. She is a Godly woman as well, but that doesn't mean she's wimpy or a pushover. About a month ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression (which is now leaving me), but I talked with her a lot about it before I went to see the doctors. Just recently, she has also been diagnosed with depression. She told me if it weren't for me being open and honest with her about my problems, she would not have had the courage to get it diagnosed, and that I was the trigger that got her that courage. She's now able to get past this as well.