Infinity is not a number

Yay nerds

2010-07-05T14:02:00.002+10:00

The War Within

2010-06-22T22:45:00.003+10:00

I can feel myself falling again,
But gravity is not my enemy.
When you're fighting yourself,
You can only lose.

What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, "You shall not covet." But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness. For apart from the law, sin lies dead. I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be the death of me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me. So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good.

Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

Romans 7:7-25

What is sin?

2010-04-18T13:27:00.001+10:00

Vanity is a sin, right? To have pride in your looks. But I reckon that not taking care in your appearance or dressing against the common fashion is also in itself vanity, because in those things there is a sort of pride in not dressing up like others- a pride in being different, so surely that too is vanity.

Gluttony also- eating until you're stuffed so full you can barely move can't be the only form gluttony takes. What's to say that eating only a little, but only of choice foods- even if they aren't “posh” foods can't also be called gluttony?

Greed is another. We think the definition of greed is having it all and earning more than enough to keep it all, but that's not it. You can have very little and be greedy, or have a lot and not be greedy. Greed is independent of what you have; it's not being content with what you've got. God calls us to be content whether we've got everything or nothing. This is not to say that saving up for something you want is bad- because it's not. But having it as a goal, “once I've got this, then I'll be content”, or “this is all I want” is greed. Once you have this, what's to say that once you've got it, you won't want something else? That is greed. As long as you are content with what you've got, and don't seek security in it, then you are living as God asks in that area of your life.

Anyway, more to come later one I've thought & prayed about it some more.

Abiding

2010-03-28T22:30:00.002+10:00

In this land there lives a girl,
Her name known far and wide.
In the Lord she puts her trust:
In Him she does abide.
She does not want for earthly things,
Her gains are not of gold;
For she awaits the risen King
Of whom her faith fortold.

I want this to be me, but it's a long process.

Sketches

2009-07-17T17:23:00.002+10:00

I've been a little slack lately - haven't been putting up any blogs of note. No poems lately. I have been drawing a bit though, and although they aren't masterpieces (which is the case with everything I do), they are an improvement on earlier years. Unfortunately, I can't actually display them online, because I have no way of making a digital copy, but they are quite decent drawings.

Stamina

2009-06-04T18:21:00.002+10:00

Stamina and strength. That's what you see when you see me. I may walk for hours, but after the first ten minutes, I can't take another step. I may swim for kilometers, but after the first hundred meters I'm too tired to move my limbs. I may seem to be able to keep going without a rest, but the truth is that no matter how much I get, sleep doesn't help me. Every injury I get, you think I barely notice it, but in reality I can't handle the pain. Every time I get knocked down, I just appear to shrug it off, but for me it gets harder each time just to get back on my feet. When you tease me and I look like it's just a joke to me too, each word you say is sharper than a knife. When cold doesn't appear to affect me, I really am chilled to my core, and feel like warmth will never come back. What you think is stamina and strength is really stubbornness, sheer will-power and a pride that will not let anyone else see my weaknesses.

Some thoughts

2009-06-03T19:24:00.000+10:00

It's funny how God uses circumstances for good. The other day I caught up with an older lady who I respect a great deal. She has been happily married for about 10 years, and has two beautiful daughters. She is a Godly woman as well, but that doesn't mean she's wimpy or a pushover. About a month ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression (which is now leaving me), but I talked with her a lot about it before I went to see the doctors. Just recently, she has also been diagnosed with depression. She told me if it weren't for me being open and honest with her about my problems, she would not have had the courage to get it diagnosed, and that I was the trigger that got her that courage. She's now able to get past this as well.

Reflections

2009-05-29T16:57:00.002+10:00

I caught a glimpse in the mirror
And saw someone looking back.
Someone older, someone wiser.
Grace and beauty she did not lack.

Some other poems that I've neglected to post

2009-05-23T23:10:00.002+10:00

Loss of Sense

A sandcastle of sanity
Right on the ocean's edge.
An albatross egg of great wit
Left on a narrow ledge.
Society is crumbling,
It knows not what is lost;
The features of humanity
Are things which have no cost.

Loving Beauty

A light so brightly burning,
A love so sweetly shining,
But what is good is good indeed
And greatest fear and deepest need.
For what seems harmful to be
Is but nourishment to me.
That you think it a fool's ploy
Can just rob me of my joy.
For I care not to greatly be,
Just that I'm beautiful to thee.

Dedicated to Wes

Give me a heart purer than gold,
Refined by fire & out of the mould.
I know for sure there will be pain,
But let me choose it again and again.

Stars

All the stars up in the sky
Shine their faces down from high.
Their light is bright
From such a height,
But a little girl is all they spy.

Apologies & a poem

2009-05-23T22:24:00.002+10:00

I apologise for the lack of anything here. I shall try to remedy that.

Dedicated to the girls in the Narnia house.

Laughter surounds,
Noise abounds,
Girls are happy and fey.
If jokes are around,
These girls will be bound
To laugh for the rest of the day.

Fallen Angels

2008-11-12T21:56:00.002+10:00

I want to float
up in the sky:
to be among
such colours high.

I want to fly
up to the clouds
to see the view
above the ground

but as for that
it shall not be
for i have lost
my wings, you see

i fell to earth
both stunned and lost
i sinned and oh
what things it cost

now i am charged
to live in strife,
in human form,
a human life.

oh, I shall see
my God once more
when clouds do roll
and oceans roar

but till that time
I'll do my best,
live my life, then
come home to rest.

Friend

2008-10-26T16:06:00.002+10:00

You love me despite my faults,
Sympathise with my pain.
If I had to choose a friend,
I'd choose you all over again.

Disconnected

2008-09-15T13:34:00.001+10:00

I live in two lives.
You're in one,
But now I've moved to the other.
You are fading away.

Blood

2008-09-08T16:31:00.000+10:00

my blood smells like the metal floor it's dripping on;
rivulets streaming to the floor.
does it take a twisted courage to cut,
or a severe lack of any?
water piercing my skin like burning arrows,
mingling to form swirls or red.
not a mark is on my arms - they're smooth
my nose is the source of the blood

Memories

2008-09-08T02:08:00.001+10:00

my music turns off;
my brain freezes in its loop.
it's two in the morning,
where did the time go?
old memories are put on hold,
painful as they are.
as the music begins again,
i cry.

Emotions - Another 10 second poem

2008-09-07T21:23:00.001+10:00

blue sky reflecting my mood
wind thrashes - the turmoil of my emotions
red on the clouds
i can't identify my feelings

MY Scenery

2008-08-20T18:03:00.003+10:00

Looking out my window:
Spectacular sunrises,
Superb sunsets,
Blossoming buds turning to
Flamboyant flowers,
Intricate detail in everything,
And people walking past,
Too engrossed in their business
That they don't notice beauty.
I guess it's true;
Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder.

Crying in His Arms

2008-08-08T11:41:00.002+10:00

Enveloped in your love,
Nothing I can do is enough.
Nothing I can do
Will make you love me more.

The title may seem a bit ambiguous, but it portrays the sense in which I wrote it, which to me makes it all the more special.

Looking For Your Love

2008-08-04T21:14:00.001+10:00

Thousands are looking
To the sky above,
Searching for your
Great unfailing love.
Futilely we try
To fill our lives ourselves
With loud music, sexual acts,
And bottles on the shelves.
I have seen your love now,
None of it you hide;
To he who is the Prince of Peace,
One day I'll be your bride.

Be Still With Me

2008-07-31T22:41:00.001+10:00

Why does life have to be busy?
Every waking minute spent "doing".
Why can't we just
Be still,
And listen to you?
I want to be in your presence,
Bathed in your glory.

Contact

2008-07-31T22:37:00.001+10:00

I see him.
As my colour drains,
He notices me.
I'd thought to leave my life behind,
Will unwanted memories return?
"Hello. How are you?"
Nothing - like we were always just friends.

Stained Glass Windows

2008-07-31T01:30:00.002+10:00

Light
Playing through the air
Makes colours on the floor.
Beautiful
But fragmented.
To see the whole picture,
You must look to the source.

Our Song

2008-07-28T00:35:00.002+10:00

I sing the notes.
But by itself,
The tune seems empty,
Like any lonely sound.

You sing the harmony.
But by itself,
The melody seems pointless,
It needs to support the tune.

Without each other,
Neither works.
Please, can you sing the melody,
And I'll sing the tune.

Verbing Me

2008-07-22T18:12:00.003+10:00

Assuming
"I thought you knew"
Over-looking
"I'm sorry, maybe next time"
Forgetting
"Oh. I forgot I'd asked. I can't anymore."
Rejecting
"Not today, I have something else on."
Leaving.
---

Scars

2008-07-17T23:31:00.003+10:00

Broken, I come
Crying
Back to you.
Wishing
I had never left
That enfolding goodness of
Your love.
This is not the first time,
And by no means the last.
But you love me still.
My scars are beautiful to you.

Forgiveness

2008-07-17T23:27:00.002+10:00

How easy it is to ask for.
When you've done something wrong.
Easy also to give.
I have forgiven everyone else.
I have been forgiven by them.
I have been forgiven by God.
But the one person
Who takes the longest
To forgive me
Is myself.

MYC - Run The Race, Student Life.

2008-07-09T19:36:00.002+10:00

This shall be one of my rare posts which doesn't include poetry or prose.

All the other posts I have for this day were composed some time over the period of the 4th of July till the 9th (today). Most of these were composed somewhere in the QCCC campsites/ surrounding area. You may have noticed drastic differences in the tone and emotions coming through each of the pieces, but that was the order in which I wrote them.

On a side note, MYC was awesome, and something I'm planning on going to again. There was a wonderful sense of fellowship, and the importance of evangelism was highlighted strongly. There was also a practical side to this, which is what I've been waiting for since before I can remember.

From what I've seen, there has always been a distaste for evangelism to occur within Western societies, and it is seen as something that is only done in Asia & Africa & South America, but I've always been itching for something here.

What made my day was, I think, the fact that I managed to have an evangelical discussion less than 2 hours after I left MYC.

Fears & Desires

2008-07-09T19:33:00.001+10:00

Everyone has a dream,
A desire.
Except me.
I don't know
What I'm aiming for.
I'm too afraid
To dream.
What am I?

Out of Place

2008-07-09T19:31:00.002+10:00

Beautiful land.
As I pass through,
Something catches me.
Among the green,
(so vibrant)
Among the brown,
(so full of life)
Metal.
Cold and hard.
Unforgiving.
Showing that
Nothing
Is untainted.

Colour

2008-07-09T19:29:00.001+10:00

A sea
not of blue,
but green
life abounds.

Untainted,
forests rise.
Stretching
to water in the sky.

On the ground
a thick covering,
thick and coarse,
spreading, growing.

Initially unnoticed,
tiny flowers;
all different,
give the area colour.

The Race

2008-07-09T19:22:00.003+10:00

I wrote this at a point in one of the talks at MYC where we were to write how we wanted to finish the race. (1 Corinthians 9:24, Hebrews 12:1, etc.)

When I cross the line
I want to have run well.
I may stumble,
I may fall,
I may be waylaid,
But I will have determination
To get back on my feet,
To get back on the track,
To keep running.
When I cross the line,
When I finish the race,
I want to be in his arms;
Father,
Husband,
Friend,
My God, saying,
"Well Done."

Gray world

2008-07-09T19:19:00.003+10:00

Everything I see -
So vast, so beautiful.
Sight overwhelmed.
Cold touches on my back,
Cold fingers across my neck.
The rain making it so
Cloud shrouds the world.
No landscape I see before me now,
Just a utilitarian gray
As colour fades.
It remains beautiful.

Not Me

2008-07-09T19:13:00.003+10:00

Connecting
With people and emotions;
People I never knew,
Emotions I have not experienced.
Why?
Dark depression,
Elation,
Degrees of the spectrum
of life,
of freedom,
of love.
It is not me
But collectively
Every story I've heard,
Every experience I've had,
Every impact on my life,
Not me.

Haiku time...

2008-07-09T19:06:00.002+10:00

Time for anonther haiku.

It's always the same,
Some things never really change,
My love not returned.

Surrounded

2008-07-01T15:33:00.003+10:00

Surrounded
Completely
Every day
Friends, family,
Strangers, enemies.
All are near, and yet,
I am totally
alone.

Just One More Day

2008-06-25T00:32:00.003+10:00

Another year in a day,
What is an age?
There is no difference between days.
Is there a difference for a day
representing a year?
How am I to tell?
It feels no different,
Yet it is apparently so.
When tomorrow comes,
Am I to behave differently?
More maturely?
Contrasting with others,
I am already so.
Does that mean I get less so?
I am already less than others.
What difference does a day make?

Two Phrases

2008-06-20T00:26:00.002+10:00

This body by me is not mine.
Detached from myself,
Surreal environments close in.
I can see a hand.
A complex structure before me,
seeming so foreign,
Amazing, but,
Like I see every other part of myself,
Not as being beautiful
And wonderfully made
But something other people
Glance over.
Like something left by the road.
There are two phrases
You could change my mind
With "You are beautiful",
"I love you".
You have used them before,
But it's been such a long time
I've forgotten
If it was true.
If it is true,
Tell me again.

Who? (Am I)

2008-06-18T23:44:00.004+10:00

Lying in the dark,
In the cold,
Alone,
Feeling somewhat empty.

Standing in the sun,
In the warmth,
Surrounded,
Harbouring the same feeling.

I am the same person.
Why should things change?

Am I even myself when I'm alone?

Who?

2008-06-18T00:46:00.002+10:00

I know everyone, and yet no-one.
They all know me, but I'm hidden.
They all know themselves, and are self assured,
But I've been hidden for so long. I don't know myself.

What Is It I'm Missing?

2008-06-17T01:58:00.004+10:00

I am calling for you.
You answer "I am here, I am here"
But I can't hear you.

I am looking for you.
You stand in front of me
But I can't see you.

I am cold.
You surround me
But I can't feel you.

I need you.
You love me
But I don't remember you.

My Old Friend

2008-06-15T17:06:00.003+10:00

I took a walk with you today.
Two old friends.
We've known each other for a very long time.
We haven't talked in a while.
I said "I loved you",
You said "I knew you did".
We walked a little further.
You said "I loved you. I still do."
"I know. I want to love you all over again."

I took a walk with you today.
My old friend.

If I could...

2008-06-14T01:50:00.000+10:00

Would i go back to those dark days?
Lose cares and worries
And slip into black night.

The Love of My Friends.

2008-06-09T22:54:00.000+10:00

They love me, my friends.
Would they, if they knew?
If they knew how far I'd been,
What I'd done,
How broken I am?
Would they still even like me?
They love me through You,
So I suppose they would,
But I still don't understand
How You can love me.

Broken

2008-06-02T21:29:00.001+10:00

I gave my heart,
gave it away, but
like a toy at Christmas
it was broken.
Thrown away.
I tried to fix it,
but not prevailing.
Now I find I love again.
I would give my heart,

but would they want something broken?

(not un)derstood

2008-05-15T01:17:00.000+10:00

You can see me.
I look happy.
What you don't know
is that I hurt.
I need a human touch,
but at the same time
can't handle closeness.

I cried myself to sleep again last night.

Loved

2008-05-11T23:36:00.000+10:00

He said "I love you."
He used me for what he wanted
Then threw me away
Empty, discarded, unloved.
God came along to rescue me.
He said "I love you."
He used me for what he wanted.
Then he kept me.
He said "You are too precious to lose."

Unlocked

2008-04-09T15:25:00.000+10:00

I have been hidden.
Locked in a cage,
behind a mask.
You cannot tell they are there,
but the mask is fading
and I've found the key.

Reading Me

2008-04-09T15:22:00.000+10:00

I have some poems.
Beautiful words.
Unmasking my soul,
but you cannot read them
until you can read me.
I am not a book.
I change.
I am the author.
I feel pain.

Dilbert rerouted

2008-02-14T15:33:00.000+10:00

Rerouting from my windows spaces page... here it is.

I hope this one works.

Treaty

2008-02-04T18:21:00.000+10:00

I removed this one cause I didn't like it.

Me

2008-01-29T13:26:00.000+10:00

Hardly a trace I'll leave on this earth,
Just a plaque in some soil.
Surrounding soil leeching life from the nutrients in my bones,
Decaying flesh supporting other life.
My memories gone,
Memories of me fading.
As soon as it is all gone - so am I.

A post about a haiku

2007-10-22T16:00:00.000+10:00

I haven't posted anything on this for ages. That could have something to do with the fact that my computer has been stuffing up internet wise, and I lost all my profiles and am still trying to find them. Stuff to add... School has been pretty rad at the moment, with everyone (or at least most of those who count) writing haikus. Mine aren't particularly good, but to anyone who understands them, they are awesome.

My spider

My friend the spider
visits sometimes. Living though,
he doesn't know how.

Colours

The sky is not red.
It is blue. My blood is red.
My blood can be blue.

Trees aren't blue or red.
They are mostly green and brown.
Blood mostly isn't

Water is quite odd.
Usually we see it blue.
Reflections deceive.

Left

Pale writing here.
Words on a page disappear.
No pale writing.

Time

Time, an illusion.
Doesn't exist, but is real.
It teases and taunts.

This is mostly it, or at least all I can remember.

Why not to commit suicide...

2007-07-11T21:38:00.000+10:00

Just for Ben, I found this:

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

--Dorothy Parker

Irony

2007-06-12T18:12:00.000+10:00

To travel around the world;
An accomplishment great.
To return and find
The reason gone.

Just a poem - what to call it?

2007-06-01T20:18:00.000+10:00

Life, a game.
similarities bore.
A hunt,
love the quarry
arrows hit.
A hart wounded,
ichor looming
bloody tears of sadness.

Mid-semester tests

2007-04-02T17:02:00.000+10:00

I'm just about dying from all the tests I have to endure. You would think that they would know our strengths and weaknesses in subject areas by now. At least most of the exams for the term are over and done with. I think that the hardest part about exams is that they all happen at once. I suppose it would be easier if I hadn't taken up a course at USQ as well as the maximum 6 subjects at school.
The easter holidays, although only a week away, sound unattainable because of the high intensity level of testing (and assignments - who could forget those!).
Unfortunately, I have to return to my study.